


Cheetos, Doritos, and a Big Bag of Weed.

by Professor_Fluffy



Series: A03 Auction Prompt Fills [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Gen, Recreational Drug Use, Science Bros, Science Bros Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-22
Updated: 2013-05-22
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Professor_Fluffy/pseuds/Professor_Fluffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short Science Bros adventure in which Bruce and Tony bake, get baked, go to Taco Bell, and make waffles!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cheetos, Doritos, and a Big Bag of Weed.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Captain_tosh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_tosh/gifts).



> This was written for Captain_Tosh as part of the A03 auction for the prompt: _Okay, I really do love stories where Bruce and Tony are science bros or just bros in general. Maybe one where they are trying to cook cuz cooking is basically just like chemistry. Whether they are successful or fail is up to you._
> 
> Thank you to my beta Vicky for checking this over for me.

It’s four in the morning and Tony Stark is stoned out of his fucking mind. He hasn't been this baked since MIT. And sprawled across his lap in a boneless heap is Dr. Bruce Banner, maker of the most excellent mint pot brownies Tony has ever had the pleasure of tasting -- and he’s tasted a lot of pot brownies. 

The next time Bruce calls him at midnight, laughing hysterically -- yes, seriously -- and demands that he get his ass to the lab ‘ _in the name of science_ ,’ he’s going to be more suspicious, and possibly get Steve to chaperone. If Bruce Banner’s harmless professor act can’t one up Steve’s puppy dog shtick into a cozy, hazy green oblivion, then nothing can. Bruce has some really good shit. Tony needs to find out who his dealer is.

“We need to go to the store,” Tony said.

“Why?” Bruce replied, listing sideways as he pawed at the remote. 

“Oh my god, leave my fucking show on, Banner, this is some deep mathematical shit, the man is a scientific genius.”

“The man is a bat shaped hand puppet. Come on Tony, we’ve been watching Sesame Street for over three hours.”

“You’re green, Oscar is green, it’s copasetic... it’s a thing, kind of like Steve and those red, white, and blue freezer pops.” Tony rolled onto his back and laughed uproariously at his own joke. “Get me another brownie.”

“Get it yourself.”

“You are such a buzz kill... wait... I’ve never said that in a literal sense before, I really am a genius. Shit.”

“You’re an idiot savant.”

“Bruce, I need to call Pepper, right now Bruce, right now. Call Pepper. Bruce, call Pepper.”

“No.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because, Pepper told me that the last time you got stoned, you called her in the middle of the night and demanded she call Pepsi-co and buy out Cheetos.”

“That is a blatant lie.”

Bruce arched an eyebrow.

“Ok, fine, it’s a partial lie. The last time I was stoned, I called the CEO of Taco Bell and asked if they could make me some tacos out of Doritos, and let me tell you, I really am a fucking genius, that shit is delicious. Live Mas motherfucker. The Cheeto thing was the time before that.”

“Tony?”

“Yeah?” 

“Can we go to Taco Bell?”

“Are you gonna Hulk out if some teenagers are shoving a broken down Omni through the drive-through?” Tony asked, staring up at Bruce from the floor. 

“No promises.”

“Fuck it. Let’s go.”

They stopped on every single floor on the way down, after Tony decided it would be a good idea to run his fingers across all the buttons on the keypad.

When they left the elevator, Bruce turned to Tony and said, “You know, we could have had Jarvis override your stupidity.”

“Fat lot of good that does us now, Bruce, thank you. Had I wanted my genius overridden, I wouldn’t have pressed all of the buttons in the first place .” 

“Hey, hold the door.” Steve jogged toward them, shirt damp and clinging to his torso. He smiled at them. “Morning run.”

“Oh would you look at that. It’s 5:45, which just happens to be the same time Steve comes in from his jog every morning, funny how you timed that little elevator ride --”

“Gross,” Tony elbowed Bruce in the side, drowning him out. “Morning people.”

Steve’s eyes narrowed. “Why does the elevator smell funny?”

Bruce’s smile turned benign. 

Steve sniffed the air and leaned toward Tony, his eyes widening in recognition. “Have you two been smoking the reefer?”

Tony lost his shit. “Oh my fucking god, Steve, the reefer, really?”

“This is serious Tony, you could get arrested.”

“Bruce has glaucoma,” Tony deadpanned.

“I don’t recall seeing that in your chart.” Steve frowned at Bruce. “And I’m sorry, I didn’t realize glaucoma was contagious, Tony.”

Tony blinked up at him. “Are you mocking me?”

Steve smirked. “Might be.”

Bruce grabbed Tony’s sleeve. “Could we please go to Taco Bell now?”

Tony followed Bruce, walking backwards across the lobby. Steve stood near the open elevator doors watching them.

“They used to treat asthma with pot, back in the day,” Bruce said. “You don’t think...”

“No fucking way,” Tony said, “absolutely not.” Then he stopped, startled.

Bruce grabbed his arm. “Tony, what the hell?”

“He just winked at me,” Tony whispered.

Bruce looked back across the lobby, but Steve was gone.

“I’m serious. He winked and then shut the elevator doors, cool as you please. It was fucking creepy. Damn, I always forget he has super hearing. Hey... you don’t think he can hear people having sex through the floors do you? That would be a cool ability.” Tony leered. 

“That would be extremely annoying,” Bruce said.

When they pulled the Bugatti into the Taco Bell drive-thru, the lights were off. 

“Son of a bitch, what time is it?” Tony said, and glanced at the dash. “It’s breakfast time, Bruce. Fucking normal people and their weird hours.”

Bruce snickered.

“We’re going to have to cook.”

“Tony...” Bruce said, pressing two fingers to his temple.

“In the name of science!” Tony shouted. “Cooking is chemistry. Fist bump.” He extended a fist toward Bruce.

“Tony, I really think...”

“Fist buuuuuump, Bruce.”

Bruce tapped his fist against Tony’s. They were going to blow up the tower. It was almost a given.

 

\-----

A pile of waffles was awaiting the Avengers when they entered the kitchen the next morning. Or, more specifically, two piles of waffles, one neat and perfectly cooked a crisp golden brown, and one full of half cooked waffles, singed around the edges from a high temperature setting and somewhat torn where they’d stuck to the skillet. 

Tony snored loudly, tossing his hand onto Bruce’s face. They were both passed out in a heap on the couch.

Clint snickered and started tiptoeing toward them.

Steve grabbed his collar and yanked him back toward the island. “Let them sleep. They were up all night, and they made us breakfast.” 

“And brownies, and eggs, and whatever that lump of purple shit in the garbage can is,” Natasha said, opening the fridge door. “Oh, and tika masala.”

“Dibs on the good waffles,” Clint grinned. 

Steve shook his head. “They’re all good waffles, it was very nice of them to make us breakfast.” He scooped one of the burnt waffles onto his plate and gave Tony an affectionate look. He proceeded to choke the whole thing down while Clint filmed him and streamed the footage to his youtube account.

Thor tried to sneak the rest of Bruce’s waffles onto his plate before Natasha finished rooting through the fridge. He ended up with a butter knife between his fingers. 

“Lerggo her eggo,” Steve said around a mouthful of waffle. 

“He’s got you watching commercials now?” Clint asked.

Steve poured himself a glass of milk and took a drink. “Tony thinks commercials provide important cultural insights into the pop culture of the eighties and nineties.”

Clint leaned toward him. “Tony’s a stoner, you do realize that right?”

“Tony’s waffles were the only ones not spiked with a pound of pot, you do realize that right?” Steve parroted.

Clint’s mouth dropped open. 

“Can you all shut up,” Tony whined, shoving his face under a pillow. “We’re trying to sleep.” 

“Yeah, wake us up when Bill Nye comes on,” Bruce muttered.

**Author's Note:**

> It is now my head canon that Steve and Bucky used to smoke pot to try and ease Steve's asthma, and that the army had Steve smoke pot to test the effects of the super soldier serum. Steve also watched Reefer Madness when it came out. That and Steve enjoys fucking with Tony's head. Also, Science Bros forever!


End file.
